BLUDDY BIRTHDAYS

Anyway after 2 weeks I finally got tae go Hame, Christ but its nice tae get back tae yer ain bed! The problem wiz, I was sae used tae the Bluddy Hospital, That I couldn't sleep! So I got Up at around 3AM stuck on ma Bonnet and headed doonstair fur a Wee Cup o Tea. That wiz when I noticed it!.... A tiny Bittie oh Paper sticking up oot o the side o Ella's chair . Whit's This? I wondered ! And lo and behold it wiz an envelope ,.. And when I opened it----- Well I could hiv committed Hari-Kari there and then! Aye it wiz a

BIRTHDAY CARD

"Tae Ma Darlin Boaby--- Love and Kisses----ELLA .

OH CHRIST NO! Am in trouble Noo!

You see both Ella and Masel huv the same Birthdate, A quick check o Yesterday's Paper Showed that the day wiz oor BIRTHDAY. The problem Wiz, I Wiz Skint---Whit to do? A mean You Know whit the Wimmen are like aboot Birthdays an all that--Looks like I wiz headin fur the Doghoose!

Well I sat there in the Chair, Worrying, Frettin and smoking Masel half tae Death until I heard Ella startin tae wander Aboot upstair!

AM OOT O HEAR

I thought! at least that'll gie me some breathin space, So off I goes, And as I paraded through the streets O Glasga, A plan came tae mind!

At aboot 10 in the morning I dandered intae one o they 99p shops

"CLAPPERS"

or something it wiz called! I looked at the single assistant, A Bint o aboot 40 who looked as thick as two short planks, This will do nicely I thought tae masel! and started tae browse aboot the shelves.

It wiz then I spotted a crackin wee ornament, A Black Lady we a Parasol thing, NICE! So I wandered aboot fur a while and then I picked up a

"PACK OF 3 TINS OF DOG FOOD"

I went up tae the counter and put the tins down, The assistant stuck the tins into a bag, Said

"Thats 99pence"

and handed me bag.

" OH EH ! WAIT KIN A SWAP THAT FUR SOMTHIN ELSE?"

I says tae hur.

AYE!

She replied So I returned tae the shelves and picked up a large tin oh SHAVIN FOAM.

I returned tae the counter and the Assistant says

"THAT'S 99Pence SUR"

"OH WAIT- I'LL CHANGE THIS FUR SOMTHIN ELSE --OK?"

The assistant gave a big sigh and said "I SUPPOSE SO!"

So of I wandered and picked up a card containing A JUNIOR HACKSAW AND TWO SPARE BLADES

"99 PENCE"

said the assistant

"ARE YEA SURE THIS TIME?"

"OH !... MAYBE NO" Said I "KIN I CHANGE IT?"

"OH BLUDDY HELL---HURRY UP I'VE NO GOT ALL DAY" She said getting a wee bit Rattled. So again I wandered over tae the shelves and picked up

THE BLACK LADY ORNAMENT

"NOW ARE YEA SURE THIS TIME?".....She screamed at me

"ARE YEA BLUDDY POSITIVE! NAE MAIR CHANGIN YER BLUDDY MIND?"

"NO AM SURE THIS TIME I SAYS!"

and picked up the bag containing the wee ornament and started to walk away.

"HERE YEA WEE BLUDDY TOE RAG----THATS 99 PENCE!"

"WHIT IS ?" I asked

"YER BLUDDY ORNAMENT, THATS WHAT, YEA HUV NAY PAID FUR IT!"

" OF COURSE NOT" Said I "I SWAPPED THIS FUR THE HACKSAW"

"AYE BUT YEA DIDNAE PAY FUR THE HACKSAW!"

" NO! I SWAPPED THAT FUR THE SHAVIN FOAM"

" BUT YEA DIDNAE PAY FUR THE SHAVIN FOAM-DID YEA?"

"NO!.... BUT I SWAPPED THAT FUR THE DOG FOOD DIDN'T I ??"

"AYE BUT YEA NEVER PAID FUR THE DOG FOOD!"

"NO! BECAUSE I DID NAE WANT THE BLUDDY DOG FOOD, DID I ? AND I GAVE YEA IT BACK, NOW YEA WANT ME TAE PAY FUR IT

NAE CHANCE !"

And I walked oot o the shop leaving the Assistant trying tae Figure it all out!

Now I hud ma wee ornament fur Ella, But she wid Ken it wizCheap an Nasty, Time fur part two o the plan! I Wandered aboot a couple o back streets until I came across what I wiz lookin fur.

A DEID BURD

A Wee Sparra lying there we its legs in the Air "IDEAL" so I picked up the deid burd and headed doon the road until I came tae SAMUAL'S the Jewellers Shop. I entered the shop holdin the deid burd in my Cupped hauns when the Assistant came up to me and said

"KIN A HELP YEA SUR?"

AYE! said I "A HUV A BADLY INJURED WEE BURD HERE, AM TAKIN IT TAE THE VETS"

"OH---ATSA SHAME " said the assistant "HOW KIN A HELP?"

"WEEL IF YEA COULD GIE ME ANE O YER BOXES TAE PIT THE BURD IN, IT WOULD BE MAIR COMFORTABLE!"

"AYE--NAE BOTHER"

and off she goes, Returnin wee a Samual's box and a carrier bag

"THERE YEA GO"

she said, And I gently laid the deid burd in the box.

"THANKS A LOT LUV...YEA HUV A HEART O GOLD..SO YEA HUV!"

"NO PROBLEM SUR...JUST YOU GET IT TAE THE VET...POOR WEE THING THAT IT IS"

So feelin quit pleased wee masel I left the shop, Flinging the deid burd back up the close where I found it! I returned home, Having placed the ornament in the box, and Said

"HAPPY BURTHDAY ELLA...HEN...HERE'S A WEE PRESENT FUR YEA!"

"OH BOABY! IT'S BEAUTIFUL....AND ITS FAE SAMUALS...IT MUST HAE COST YEA A PACKET?"

"AYE WELL YER WORTH EVERY PENNY ELLA...AND YEA KNOW THE QUALITY STUFF WHEN YEA SEE IT AS WELL"

"AYE! ITS SMASHIN...BOABY...HERE'S A WEE PRESENT FUR YOU!"

"OH ! ELLA THANKS VERY MUCH...YEA SHOULDN�T HAE BOTHERED!"

I opened my Present " A LOVELY PAIR O CORDUROY TROUSERS AND SOME NICE RED BRACES"

"THERE LOVELY!...THANKS ELLA...I'LL FEEL A TOFF IN THESE"

I said to her, Not knowing then, Whit I know now! Not even in my wildest dreams, Would I have believed that these braces would end up getting me admitted tae the Hospital again

BUT THAT'S THE NEXT STORY.....INIT ! Wee BOABY